waterin’ holes

I feel obligated to preface my bar reviews by explaining that they are going to be bias because I have a love/hate relationship with bars. There are specific circumstances under which I will go to bars: a) happy hour. Not because drinks are cheaper (although that’s definitely a plus) but because I despise bars when they become crowded and so loud you can’t hear anyone. Seriously, I don’t get why people overpay for booze just so they can stand around and scream in their friend’s ears. 2) A friend’s band is playing or there’s a reading I want to attend 3) It’s late but the bar is uncrowded, meaning it’s probably shitty, but at least I can hear whatever my friend is saying 4) I’m alone and want to drink and draw/read, meaning it has to be fairly well lit, like the backroom of Freddy’s Bar. 5) I’m trashed and don’t care anymore.

Goodbye Blue Monday: If your grandpa’s basement barfed up all the shit he’s been storing since the early 1900’s, it’d make GBM. This is by far the most insane (and awesome looking) bar I’ve ever been into. It also opens at 11am and has free wifi so you can check your email and drink away your hangover. And it’s in the middle of ass nowhere on Broadway in Brooklyn, so while it may be pretty hipstery, they are of the least offensive variety. They have live shows every single night starting at 9. I’m currently in the process of trying to locate a water buffalo head for my friend Laura, I know there’s one in there somewhere…1087 Broadway in Bed Stuy

Burp Castle: This wee gem is tucked onto a side street in the east village and is the perfect place to hide from hipsters. Say hi to Melissa the bartender, she’s awesome. Also, they sometimes serves free belgium fries. Did you hear me? FREE FUCKING FRIES. Skinny girls in New York must hate their lives. 41 E 7th St in the east village

Freddy’s: This bar is dear to me because it was the first place I went after getting off the plane & train when I moved to Brooklyn. I dropped my bags at Sarah’s and we went straight here. There are cozy booths in the front (and dirty picture hunt! whoo!) and tables in the backroom to play games at. But please for the love of christ don’t play hungry hungry hippos. I know you want to, I do too, but it’s way too obnoxious. 485 Dean st in Park Slope/Prospect Heights

Union Pool: I hesitate to put this on here since it’s a total douchebag bar, but when I first got to Brooklyn, I went there early in the evening and sat outside on the wooden tables and was like “it’s like Zeitgeist! whoo! I’m home!” then after a bunch of beers, I looked up to notice that the sun had gone down and there were assholes everywhere and I was really homesick. For Zeitgeist, not assholes. But hey, I got to see Alex Holden wearing a dress here. 484 Union Ave in Williamsburg

East River Bar: Karen once brought a portable version of dance dance revolution to this bar and we played it out back, and holyfuckingshit is that game hard! I used to work at a pool hall that had it and my boss would always play it and once he hurt his ankle cause he was dancing so hard and made me cover his shift for him, and I resented him for a long time until years later when I actually tried to play it. So, sorry Q! but you’re still a total pussy. 97 S. 6th street it south Williamsburg

Barcade: Games. 20 microbrews. What more do you need? I’m sure you can score a hand job if you ask nicely. 388 Union Ave in Williamsburg

Trout: Boats, rusty bikes, fishing rods, life vests. It’s one of the best places in this neighborhood to order fries and pitchers of beer in the outside section and play shits and shoot craps. 269 Pacific St

Mars Bar: I have a love/hate relationship with this bar, which has no indoor lighting beyond the juke box, the walls are covered in graffiti (on purpose) and the bathroom has no lock and someone recently peed on the floor. It’s one of the last remaining punk bars from the 70’s, and hasn’t changed a thing since then. They haven’t even swept the floors since then. People like to talk about the history and uniqueness of the bar, and tell stories about people shooting up in the bathroom and drinking themselves to death and how this bar is truly punk and everything else is just an impostor and…and…oh that’s right, I don’t give a shit. It’s good to take your out of town friends to though, just for shits. 25 e. 1st street in the LES

Alligator Lounge (300 Metropolitan) and Charleston (174 Bedford) are only worth mentioning because you get a free personal pan pizza with any drink. The pizza doesn’t come close to comparing with your standard, delicious NY pizza slice, but shit bitches, it’s free and everything tastes better when it’s free and you’re drunk.

Lucky cat: Besides being your standard, red walled bar that serves pretty good food (and a free bloody mary or mimosa with brunch) I mostly have a boner for their tiny backyard because it’s designed exactly how you wanted to design your fort when you were 3. You cross a tiny moat full of breeding mosquitoes and there are bags of water strung up to keep flies away. (The explanation being that supposedly when flies see their reflection in the water, is scares them away. Seems to work, but not on the mosquitoes, so wear repellent if you go there in the spring/summer) It’s the perfect back yard high out to go to in the afternoon, order a bloody mary and draw with your nerdy comics friends. 254 Grand St in Williamsburg

Trash Bar: $4 PBR’s?! are you fucking kidding me? fuck off already. I hear they used to be way cooler before they started doing that. Sometimes they still book cool bands in the back room though, so I suggest you only go for your friend’s band and BYOF (bring your own flask) because seriously, $4 pbrs is almost as ridiculous as the time my mom made me listen to Bette Midler’s the Rose in the dark while sitting in the kitchen. 256 Grand St in Williamsburg

Van Gogh’s Radio Lounge: Ladies drink free on Monday! nuff said. But, the drinks are watered down which means you have to drink three times as many, but whatevs. And it’s usually not too crowded and they don’t blare the music so you can actually hear your friends. Imagine that! 147 Franklin st in Greenpoint

duckduck: I used to work here until they (rightfully) fired my ass, but I’d still highly recommend this bar. I knew it was love at first site when I saw they had a half a twisty staircase hanging from a door that goes nowhere in the ceiling. Everything is from second hand stores, so all the couches, chairs and tables are different and it’s like hanging out in someone’s rad living room. 153 Montrose Ave in Bushwick