crap

hey do you like loads of ugly, shitty, useless pieces of crap? Yeah me neither but if you’re the kind of asshole who does, you can either walk down St. Marks and buy just about anything you might never need, or you can save yourself the time and go into the little open market called “Shops at Broadway” where you can buy all the hats, cellphone holders, jewelry, fake license plates and incense you want, just don’t expect me to be all “oh that’s so cute!” because I hate that kind of shit. On Broadway in Manhattan near E. 4th st

touristy bullshit

Grand Central Station: Once, in high school, my mom was all “are you high?” and I was like “no” and she was all “you look high” and I was like “well I’m not” and she was all “yes you are!” and I was like “no I’m not!” but I totally was. This is how I feel when I go there.

Staten Island Ferry: Doodes, it’s a boat, and it’s free. What else do you have to do on a sunny afternoon? besides…

Governor’s Island: Best picnic spot in all of New York. Also the quietest spot I’ve been able to find. Pack a picnic of cheese and grapes and make a thermos full of gin ice tea. Just be careful when you come back to Manhattan and it hits you in the face like a soggy limp dick.

Tomkin’s Square Park: This park is the bum’s alternative to Washington Square park, meaning instead of loads of tourists and students, there are just some random homeless people and punk kids eating bagels from the “street life” van that’s parked along avenue A. This is where I go when I’m homesick for that stale pee/fresh vomit smell of San Francisco.

Washington Square Park: This park is the collegiate alternative to Tomkin’s Square Park because it’s right off of NYU. I like to get $2.50 falafels and paper bag it here in the summer, and it’s good people watching.

Roosevelt Island: Catch the tram somewhere around 97th and 2nd and it takes you over the river and drops you onto the island. Head immediately down to the southern part of the island where there is an amazing abandoned castle that was once a nut house and a small pox hospital. There’s a weird empty little park and we’re totally gonna go play capture the flag there this summer. In the middle of the Island you can actually get some pretty good pizza too. Score!

Natural History Museum: Tourists think they have to pay full price, but you can totally just give them a quarter and get in. They might give you a dirty look, but who gives a shit? cause now you’re in a never ending labyrinth of animals and bones and displays that will make you feel like a total idiot for believing in creationism when you were a kid.

The View Lounge at the Marriott: They have this in San Francisco too, which is how I found it. I fancy the SF view better, but this one is pretty awesome as well. Just make sure you go before 9pm on a weekday, or they’ll charge you a cover price. I know, what bullshit! and BYOF (the F is for flask) 1535 Broadway