Archive: 49 Bogart St

If the Archive was placed in, say, the lower east side, it’d just get an apathetic “meh” for a review. But in a neighborhood lacking multiple options, it’s a pretty essential staple to the area. The space is devoid of personality, but it does have two large communal tables in the center that make it easy to be obnoxious and take up too much space with your laptop, newspaper, weeklies and art pads. The only food besides standard bagels and pastries are prepackaged paninis and salads and soup. Besides Potion Café, it’s the only other place to get decent coffee until you trek into the real heart of Bushwick, a few blocks east. Just remember to take a dump before you head there because in order to use their bathroom, you have to get they key, have an employee unlock the first door, then you unlock the bathroom, then go down another hall and actually exit the building through a different door and then go back into the café and return they key. Wtf is that? It’s like labyrinth, without the benefit of David Bowie’s package. You can rent DVDs here too, but the selection is obviously based on hipster demand and film school must haves, which is kind of convenient when your friends come over to watch movies and all you from netflix is all the embarrassing chick flicks you drunk ordered last week. Plus there’s this one adorable barista with big curly hair is so hippie friendly that she makes me nostalgic for Northern California. I want to put her in my pocket and have her sing me to sleep.
Perks: Free wifi, good cookies, instant typecast upon entrance

Potion: 248 McKibben St

Potion is by far the most aesthetically pleasing café in Bushwick. Easily missed, it’s tucked into a warehouse across from the trendy McKibben lofts. They serve strong coffee, good pastries, mid range bagels and have  a small, but serviceable sandwich menu. (I’d recommend the cheddar and pesto on a croissant) There are couches, a bar and tables and they also serve mimosas, wine and beer. ($3 red stripes!) The artwork on the wall doesn’t make you want to gouge out your eyeballs and the high ceiling, brick walls and eclectic décor  make you feel as though you’re hanging out in your artist/musician friend’s studio but they ignore you every time you say “dude, those tribal drums gotta go. They are so 1996.” The downfall?  The space is really small and while the person next to you is describing in excruciating detail the climax of their next experimental student film, the person at the bar is writing the next great American novel. That said, the air is somehow surprisingly clear of pretension and it’s definitely the best café in the neighborhood. If you can find a seat.
Perks: Free wifi, 50cent refills, eyecandy

…the movie Juno is a piece of shit. The dialog is annoying as fuck, Juno is far to “sassy and clever” for a middle class, suburban white girl and it was so sickly sweet that I think I barfed up a kitten.

hey do you like loads of ugly, shitty, useless pieces of crap? Yeah me neither but if you’re the kind of asshole who does, you can either walk down St. Marks and buy just about anything you might never need, or you can save yourself the time and go into the little open market called “Shops at Broadway” where you can buy all the hats, cellphone holders, jewelry, fake license plates and incense you want, just don’t expect me to be all “oh that’s so cute!” because I hate that kind of shit. On Broadway in Manhattan near E. 4th st

Pizza: Sooo, everyone was right that pizza is way better on the east coast. Fine, bitches, you win. Here are some places I like:

Anna Maria Pizza: We once went their twice, in one night, within one hour. Of course we were ass drunk and going to some douchey Williamsburg rooftop party, but the pizza was the best part of the night. 179 Bedford Ave

Some place by the Marcy JMZ stop: Finding cheap food on Broadway in Brooklyn isn’t hard because Broadway is the festering 99cent asshole of Brooklyn. But finding good pizza isn’t so easy, but this place is the bee’s pajamas. 

Pie: I tend to avoid places that look like a futuristic Japanese teleporting booth where all the food should be perfect and plastic, but this place lands smack in the middle of my Barnes & Noble/Forbidden Planet/Strand loop so I finally went in one day and you know what? the future tastes fucking delicious.

There’s this place I can’t remember the name of, it’s Mediterranean and Italian near the Christopher St station in Greenwich Village and that’s where I had my first slice of NY pizza. I went all out and the biggest slice with sausage, salami, pepperoni, onions, mushrooms, canadian bacon and a pound of grease. Now that I think about it, that might be the reason I don’t have a boyfriend.

Oh and once I had to go to Ikea for work and I ate a pizza pocket thing and it tasted kinda life barf. I recommend neither the pizza pocket or Ikea, unless you need a good kick in the balls to remind yourself of all that is shitty.

Grand Central Station: Once, in high school, my mom was all “are you high?” and I was like “no” and she was all “you look high” and I was like “well I’m not” and she was all “yes you are!” and I was like “no I’m not!” but I totally was. This is how I feel when I go there.

Staten Island Ferry: Doodes, it’s a boat, and it’s free. What else do you have to do on a sunny afternoon? besides…

Governor’s Island: Best picnic spot in all of New York. Also the quietest spot I’ve been able to find. Pack a picnic of cheese and grapes and make a thermos full of gin ice tea. Just be careful when you come back to Manhattan and it hits you in the face like a soggy limp dick.

Tomkin’s Square Park: This park is the bum’s alternative to Washington Square park, meaning instead of loads of tourists and students, there are just some random homeless people and punk kids eating bagels from the “street life” van that’s parked along avenue A. This is where I go when I’m homesick for that stale pee/fresh vomit smell of San Francisco.

Washington Square Park: This park is the collegiate alternative to Tomkin’s Square Park because it’s right off of NYU. I like to get $2.50 falafels and paper bag it here in the summer, and it’s good people watching.

Roosevelt Island: Catch the tram somewhere around 97th and 2nd and it takes you over the river and drops you onto the island. Head immediately down to the southern part of the island where there is an amazing abandoned castle that was once a nut house and a small pox hospital. There’s a weird empty little park and we’re totally gonna go play capture the flag there this summer. In the middle of the Island you can actually get some pretty good pizza too. Score!

Natural History Museum: Tourists think they have to pay full price, but you can totally just give them a quarter and get in. They might give you a dirty look, but who gives a shit? cause now you’re in a never ending labyrinth of animals and bones and displays that will make you feel like a total idiot for believing in creationism when you were a kid.

The View Lounge at the Marriott: They have this in San Francisco too, which is how I found it. I fancy the SF view better, but this one is pretty awesome as well. Just make sure you go before 9pm on a weekday, or they’ll charge you a cover price. I know, what bullshit! and BYOF (the F is for flask) 1535 Broadway

I feel obligated to preface my bar reviews by explaining that they are going to be bias because I have a love/hate relationship with bars. There are specific circumstances under which I will go to bars: a) happy hour. Not because drinks are cheaper (although that’s definitely a plus) but because I despise bars when they become crowded and so loud you can’t hear anyone. Seriously, I don’t get why people overpay for booze just so they can stand around and scream in their friend’s ears. 2) A friend’s band is playing or there’s a reading I want to attend 3) It’s late but the bar is uncrowded, meaning it’s probably shitty, but at least I can hear whatever my friend is saying 4) I’m alone and want to drink and draw/read, meaning it has to be fairly well lit, like the backroom of Freddy’s Bar. 5) I’m trashed and don’t care anymore.

Goodbye Blue Monday: If your grandpa’s basement barfed up all the shit he’s been storing since the early 1900’s, it’d make GBM. This is by far the most insane (and awesome looking) bar I’ve ever been into. It also opens at 11am and has free wifi so you can check your email and drink away your hangover. And it’s in the middle of ass nowhere on Broadway in Brooklyn, so while it may be pretty hipstery, they are of the least offensive variety. They have live shows every single night starting at 9. I’m currently in the process of trying to locate a water buffalo head for my friend Laura, I know there’s one in there somewhere…1087 Broadway in Bed Stuy

Burp Castle: This wee gem is tucked onto a side street in the east village and is the perfect place to hide from hipsters. Say hi to Melissa the bartender, she’s awesome. Also, they sometimes serves free belgium fries. Did you hear me? FREE FUCKING FRIES. Skinny girls in New York must hate their lives. 41 E 7th St in the east village

Freddy’s: This bar is dear to me because it was the first place I went after getting off the plane & train when I moved to Brooklyn. I dropped my bags at Sarah’s and we went straight here. There are cozy booths in the front (and dirty picture hunt! whoo!) and tables in the backroom to play games at. But please for the love of christ don’t play hungry hungry hippos. I know you want to, I do too, but it’s way too obnoxious. 485 Dean st in Park Slope/Prospect Heights

Union Pool: I hesitate to put this on here since it’s a total douchebag bar, but when I first got to Brooklyn, I went there early in the evening and sat outside on the wooden tables and was like “it’s like Zeitgeist! whoo! I’m home!” then after a bunch of beers, I looked up to notice that the sun had gone down and there were assholes everywhere and I was really homesick. For Zeitgeist, not assholes. But hey, I got to see Alex Holden wearing a dress here. 484 Union Ave in Williamsburg

East River Bar: Karen once brought a portable version of dance dance revolution to this bar and we played it out back, and holyfuckingshit is that game hard! I used to work at a pool hall that had it and my boss would always play it and once he hurt his ankle cause he was dancing so hard and made me cover his shift for him, and I resented him for a long time until years later when I actually tried to play it. So, sorry Q! but you’re still a total pussy. 97 S. 6th street it south Williamsburg

Barcade: Games. 20 microbrews. What more do you need? I’m sure you can score a hand job if you ask nicely. 388 Union Ave in Williamsburg

Trout: Boats, rusty bikes, fishing rods, life vests. It’s one of the best places in this neighborhood to order fries and pitchers of beer in the outside section and play shits and shoot craps. 269 Pacific St

Mars Bar: I have a love/hate relationship with this bar, which has no indoor lighting beyond the juke box, the walls are covered in graffiti (on purpose) and the bathroom has no lock and someone recently peed on the floor. It’s one of the last remaining punk bars from the 70’s, and hasn’t changed a thing since then. They haven’t even swept the floors since then. People like to talk about the history and uniqueness of the bar, and tell stories about people shooting up in the bathroom and drinking themselves to death and how this bar is truly punk and everything else is just an impostor and…and…oh that’s right, I don’t give a shit. It’s good to take your out of town friends to though, just for shits. 25 e. 1st street in the LES

Alligator Lounge (300 Metropolitan) and Charleston (174 Bedford) are only worth mentioning because you get a free personal pan pizza with any drink. The pizza doesn’t come close to comparing with your standard, delicious NY pizza slice, but shit bitches, it’s free and everything tastes better when it’s free and you’re drunk.

Lucky cat: Besides being your standard, red walled bar that serves pretty good food (and a free bloody mary or mimosa with brunch) I mostly have a boner for their tiny backyard because it’s designed exactly how you wanted to design your fort when you were 3. You cross a tiny moat full of breeding mosquitoes and there are bags of water strung up to keep flies away. (The explanation being that supposedly when flies see their reflection in the water, is scares them away. Seems to work, but not on the mosquitoes, so wear repellent if you go there in the spring/summer) It’s the perfect back yard high out to go to in the afternoon, order a bloody mary and draw with your nerdy comics friends. 254 Grand St in Williamsburg

Trash Bar: $4 PBR’s?! are you fucking kidding me? fuck off already. I hear they used to be way cooler before they started doing that. Sometimes they still book cool bands in the back room though, so I suggest you only go for your friend’s band and BYOF (bring your own flask) because seriously, $4 pbrs is almost as ridiculous as the time my mom made me listen to Bette Midler’s the Rose in the dark while sitting in the kitchen. 256 Grand St in Williamsburg

Van Gogh’s Radio Lounge: Ladies drink free on Monday! nuff said. But, the drinks are watered down which means you have to drink three times as many, but whatevs. And it’s usually not too crowded and they don’t blare the music so you can actually hear your friends. Imagine that! 147 Franklin st in Greenpoint

duckduck: I used to work here until they (rightfully) fired my ass, but I’d still highly recommend this bar. I knew it was love at first site when I saw they had a half a twisty staircase hanging from a door that goes nowhere in the ceiling. Everything is from second hand stores, so all the couches, chairs and tables are different and it’s like hanging out in someone’s rad living room. 153 Montrose Ave in Bushwick